If you are
by thorteso
Summary: Trying to define and understand a complicated relationship...One-shot turned more...New chapter 3/12/10 - finally the date!
1. If you are

If you are…

AN: This has been lurking on my old hard drive and I found it recently and decided it would be a good ficlet. Mac's POV but the idea could work both ways.

"I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced attraction puppy dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you, very simply, very truly. You're the epitome of everything I've ever looked for in another human being... and I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it, I just can't take this anymore, I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels, I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are..." 

-Chasing Amy

So here's the thing. A decision has to be made. Are you my brother? Are you my best friend? Are you something besides these things? Cause I need to know. I need to have it stated in black and white.

If you are my brother, I love you. I love how you are there to be my rock, my protector, the one I run to when things aren't going great and I know that you will help, because you're my brother, and that's what brothers do. We can fight and disagree, but at the end of the day we're still there for each other. But you once said you don't think of me like a sister.

If you are my best friend, then I love you. I love that I can completely and utterly be myself around you. There is no persona, nothing fake, just me being gross me. And you don't hold back. We say what we need to say, even if it's not exactly alike and we will hash it out. You keep me on my toes. And when I am bored and lonely, you are there. I love that we can sit in silence and still have that be a great conversation. Talking about trivial stuff does not mean our friendship is trivial, it just means that a lot of the big things don't need to be said, they are already known. Just by looking across a room we can tell what the other is feeling and what they need and we know what to do without having to ask. That's special. Something that I never want to lose. Something that I couldn't live without.

So that brings me to another thing. If you are something besides the other two things, then I love you. I look to you to fill that hole in my heart. I look to you to complete me. I know that loving you will teach me what love really is. I love you to the ends of the earth (literally) and would do anything for you.

Which also includes sitting back and watching you love someone else. Because I know you don't see me as one of those girls. I know the others are prettier and funnier and better people. But I would love a chance. I would love to be the one. I want your voice to be the last one I hear before bed; I want your arms to be the ones that erase all the cares of the world; and I want your heart to love a broken me.

I don't know why this is so bad now. I don't know why it breaks my heart and makes me sick every time I see you with another person. Last time was fine, but now I can't fathom surviving this. I can't lose my brother, or my best friend, or whatever else you may be.

Since the last time I have gotten used to you being there all the time. You are the one who I always answer the phone for. You are the one whose IM window never closes. You are the one that I share all of those jokes and not so funny things with. You are the one that I can have a conversation with without words.

People always say it. That we are dating and don't know it. That you are the love of my life. And that's what scares me. What if you are the love of my life and this is it? Is this all I get? What if I have to watch the love of my life move on and be with someone else? And not be able to tell my best friend about it. And not be able to run to my brother for protection.

I can't imagine feeling the way I do about you for another person. I don't think its possible. You have achieved very few can, you can make this broken heart love.

And the thing is I'm terrified. I am afraid to act because I am afraid of losing the most important person in my life right now. I am afraid of how I will act seeing you with someone else and being there to hear all about it, being the constant, asexual, one-of-the-guys, type of friend. Just promise me that one day, when you are engaged, and I am alone and at a breaking point, that you won't tell me you once loved me or we could have had a chance. If you do, ever have, and might ever love me, tell me before it gets to that point.

In a world where I feel alone in a crowded room, you are my companion. The one whose entrance into a room makes the room change color, temperature, light instantly and comes over to talk to and ground that lonely newcomer all over again. If you are there then I never feel alone.

But things have changed with us. We didn't even really talk for a while. And a part of me died inside. But it also made me realize that so much of loving you was what I get in return. I will survive without you, I just don't want to. I will give so much of myself that there will be nothing left, but I don't think I should have to.

Honestly, I deserve better than this. I deserve better from you. We used to be close, what happened? What did I do wrong? I at least deserve walking together to and from the courtroom or an honest answer to what you are doing. I don't need to always be there. I would love to, but I don't have to. You can have other friends and that is OK. I don't know if you are excluding me because of something I did, or because you like someone and it is too awkward having me be around. If I was replaced, maybe it is because I know you too well and that scares you and you don't want that.

Either way, tell me. Just a simple I need space or whatever is fine. But don't leave me guessing. Don't leave me thinking the worst. Don't leave me crying. Because I deserve better than that, I deserve better from you.

I think you have been trying harder to be around recently, but there is still a distance. You are still holding me at arms length. I only get bits and pieces of the story. It is just confusing. Before I would know the time you woke up, what you ate, what you thought, anything and everything. And that was all taken away from me so quickly. Now I get bits and pieces of the story and find out the rest from other people. When they are asking me about it, like I should know.

And that's the thing, I should know. And people always will assume that I will. We are kind of a pair you and me. People see us that way and I honestly think that that is why I am left right here with you. Besides most of the world either thinking we are secretly dating or at least friends with benefits, all of the others tell me that I should marry you. What is the office pool up to now?

They say that we are soul mates, that you are the love of my life. And you know what? After hearing that so often, I started to believe it. I started to think that we were just being slow. But, let's face it, time isn't on our side anymore. This is it, our last chance. And I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about what if and I am tired of listening to everyone tell me this. Because the only person that I want to hear it from is you. I trust you completely, I always have. So, decide. Here it all is, everything and anything that I think about us. Tell me what you want. Tell me what I feel even. Because I don't know what I feel anymore.

Am I mistaking a once great friendship for something more? Am I just playing into all of the talk that is surrounding me? And, if this is something, I really don't think it's just a crush. It's kind of at the "all or nothing" point.

All I am asking, is that, somehow, in your own way, you love me. Find something, any one little thing that is good about me and love that. I am not asking you to marry me or drop your life for me, just find it in your heart to love a piece of me so that I can sleep at night. So I can wake up in the morning and actually breathe.

**Ring Ring**

That's you. I have to answer it. No matter how much I don't want to want to, I have to. Maybe I will get the courage to actually say these things to you tonight.

**Ring Ring**

Maybe I can finally tell you I love you and I don't want anyone else. Deep Breath. Exhale. Hopefully you can't hear my racing heart.

"Hello?"

"_Hey, Mac!"_

"Harm, hi…"

THE END


	2. Hitting Send

**Hitting Send…**

AN: here's a new chapter! I wasn't sure I was going to continue this but I got inspired and so many of you asked for Harm's POV, so here it is. There are two quotes because I couldn't decide and I liked them both. I don't know if it will continue from here, but I hope you like this new chapter! (Note the rating change, there is slight language at the end, sorry if that offends.)

"_As I look back on all that's happened…growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me -- there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever…and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold."_

_-Source Unknown_

"_I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know."_

_-Source Unknown_

Something changed today. I don't know what it was, but something did. Things weren't the same. I saw you when you came in this morning and something was off. That smile just wasn't right.

Do you know how much I live for your smile? Do you know that I set my alarm an hour early to ensure that I will make it to the office the same time you do? In hopes that we can ride the elevator together, or grab coffee at the same time, or just so I can make sure I see you before we are off trudging through our hectic days. Of course you don't. I haven't told you any of those things.

I used to be able to tell you anything, no matter how trivial. I loved that about our relationship. Why is it that it is so hard to have a normal conversation with you recently? You are one of the few people I can talk to without hesitation. You know things about me that no one else does. You know how my mind works and what I am thinking often before I even get there. I start your sentences and you finish mine. It was uncensored and it was real.

Maybe that's the problem. I find myself censoring myself more and more now. Trying not to slip up or say something I shouldn't. And not just because I am terrified to let you know what goes through my mind when I see you in the morning. No, it's mostly because I am terrified to hurt you again.

And if it was so easy to talk to you, I wouldn't have been staring at my phone for the past hour and a half. I haven't quite decided if I am waiting for it to ring or waiting for the nerve to dial your number. I am holding my cell phone in my hand, your contact information displayed on the screen. All I have to do is hit send. Would you be surprised that you are the only contact in my VIP group? Or would you be more surprised that I don't need to look up your number, I memorized it a long time ago.

So why is it so hard all of a sudden to think of something to say to you. Maybe that's why I haven't called yet. I don't want you to pick up on that part of my voice that is as nervous as a virgin on prom night. I have to find some reason to call you besides just wanting to hear your voice.

My favorite phone conversations of ours are the ones with the long comfortable silences where I just listen to your gentle breathing. In that moment I know that you are safe and sound. In that moment I feel like I have been allowed into that place in your heart beyond all of the barriers. In that moment I find peace.

So why don't I just hit send? Good question.

Part of me is screaming to. To call you and tell you I can't function without you. But the other part of me is telling me to run as far and as fast as I can. Because no matter how much things have changed and no matter how much of our old friendship we lost, it's still something. And I can't live without that something. I can't lose you. I've done that before and I know I won't be the same person if it happens again, part of me will cease to exist.

I don't think I believe in soul mates. I think a relationship is hard work and dedication. Waking up every morning and deciding to actually like the person you promised to love for the rest of your life. But I can't deny that there is a part of me that will always feel more complete, more whole when you are standing in the room. And there will always be a part of me that is a better person for having known you. I can't deny that we have a connection I have never had with anyone and you evoke feelings that I didn't think I was capable of.

Maybe that's another reason to put the phone down. I don't honestly know if I am capable of being who you need me to be. In all of my past relationships I have been a protector to the damsel, the arrogant flyboy to the Barbie doll. Past relationships have always been about the dress whites and gold wings. I never let them see the other side of me. The side only you have seen. Not even Diane, Annie, Jordan or Renee has ever seen me cry. They have never seen that human side of me. I have successfully hidden that away from everyone. Everyone but you.

You are an equal, you are a partner, you are a best friend and I am terrified of what that means. With you it always has been all or nothing. You are my gung-ho jarhead ninja-girl. I know that if we take that step that will be it forever. With you it can't be any other way.

A lot of people may think I can't make a commitment. I would hope that you know that isn't the case. I am not scared for myself, that I will want to get out someday, that I don't want to be tied down. I am scared for you. I am scared that I will hurt you. I am scared that I will go on a mission and never come back. I am scared that you will leave me and I won't survive. As far as I am concerned I am already committed to you. But do you feel the same way?

I can be committed to you. To support and love you, even from afar, for the rest of your life. But if you aren't committed to me, I can't be committed to us. And I am so scared that you are not committed to me that I just sit back committed to you and your happiness instead of us and what could be.

Confused yet? I am.

So that's where I am, confused and dying to talk to my best friend about the girl I can't live without. Maybe I should just dial your number, I mean, just because I call doesn't mean I have to tell you any of this right? Right.

Oh shit. I just hit send. Oh shit. It's ringing. Oh shit. What am I going to say? Oh shit. You answered. Oh shit. Say something!

"Hey Mac!"

_"Harm, hi..."_

The End?


	3. Greetings

Greetings

AKA: Chapter 3

_AN: Hi all - this story is going to continue to have sporadic updates as it is not really planned and more of a spur of the moment thing. Sorry, I know how frustrating that can be to a reader! Anyway this picks up from when they both said hello and is from Mac's point of view. Sorry it's a short one! Enjoy!_

_{I found a lot of great quotes, but none appropriate for this chapter. Maybe for the next one, of maybe not, I might just stop them altogether.}_

"So, Harm, what's up?" I ask, nervous that he knows what I have been thinking about for the past hour; scratch that, since I met him.

"I, uh, well....How are you?" Funny he almost sounds nervous...what could he possibly be afraid of? I mean we have known each other for years and he has always seemed to be so aloof around me. Always in control. (Do those two go together?) The one time I saw something close to nervous when it comes to me was the fear and shock in his eyes that night in Sydney...ugh Sydney.

Oh, he asked me a question, better answer..."pretty good, just sitting here in front of the fireplace thinking...how are you?"

"Oh, uh, good, just sitting here, looking out the window..."

"Oh." Well this is the best conversation I have ever had...NOT. I mean I am so mentally drained from my musings that I'm not contributing much either, but he's the one who called me...that's it! "So, Harm, did you need something?"

"No, why?"

"You called me, hence the whole talking on the phone thing." What is with him tonight?

"Oh, yeah, right. No special reason I guess, just haven't talked to you in a while."

"Harm, we had lunch together today at work." We spent an hour and a half doing nothing but talking at lunch. Granted it was about the Michaelson case, but it was still a long lunch. We seem to be having a lot of lunches together recently, not planned, but it just seems to happen that way. Not that I am complaining. We both go through the line at the cafeteria and grab things and then end up sharing most of it. It's convenient that he likes the crispy fries and I like the soft ones. Oops, he's talking again.

"Yeah, I know, but that was business. I wanted to talk to _you."_

_"_Oh, thanks." What is that supposed to mean? Is he going to drop some bombshell like changing his designator again?

"So what were you thinking about?"

Oh shit. Play dumb. "Huh?"

"Well you said we were just sitting in front of the fireplace thinking...and we wrapped up that case today, so what were you thinking about?"

"Oh, well, you know, the usual. Life and stuff." Quick drop chaff. Did I just think that? Ugh, I have been hanging around a certain aviator too long. "So what were you thinking about?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, you said you were looking out the window and you only stand in front of that window when you have something on your mind." I have watched him stare out his window or pace in front of it pensively for years now. It's either that or picking at his guitar, either one means deep thinking.

"Oh, well I was thinking about you and how I haven't talked to you, that's why I called right?"

"Yeah." Hmmm, good story Rabb.

"So, c'mon, tell me, what's on your mind about "life and stuff"?" I knew he was too stubborn to drop this. The thing that makes him a good litigator also can make him quite annoying as a friend.

"Harm, I don't think you want to listen to me whine about boy troubles..." I hear a sound that is a cross between a gasp and a sputter. So much for the ever-confident flyboy.

"Mac, are you seeing someone I don't know about?" No, of course not, that would be too easy. For a moment I think I could cook up a story about some date, but I tried the whole make-Harm-jealous thing with Mic, doesn't work.

"No, but the lack of a significant other at my age usually deserves some pondering. Do you have any idea how long it has been since I have been out on a date?!" I can't believe I just admitted that to Harm, but hell, in for a penny in for a pound. Maybe it's finally time to have that conversation with him.

"Well, Mac, are you looking for a boyfriend or a date. I mean I know I may not be perfect, but I well...we could always hang out and stuff." Why do we both sound like teenagers tonight? And wait a minute. Did Harm just, in a round about way, ask me out? And does he want a girlfriend or a one night stand? I suppose it's been a while for him too.

"Mac, I don't want a one night stand, that's not what I was offering." Oh. My. God. Did I say that out loud?!

"Yes, you said that out loud," he chuckles at the other end of the phone.

Great. Can this get any worse? "Well, thanks for the pity offer Harm, but I am not _that _desperate." So embarassed right now.

"Sorry, I didn't know going on a date with me would be so awful for you," I hear him mumble into the phone. Perfect, all I need now is a moody Harmon Rabb. Wait a minute, is he disappointed? Could he really want to go on a real date with me?

"Harm, that came out wrong. It's not that going on a date would be awful, far from it, I just don't want you to ask me out because I am a little down right now about my lack of a love life. I mean, next thing you know you will be offering to go halves on a kid with me."

As soon as I say it I know I shouldn't have. Something about the tone or delivery or the fact that we always have a hard time talking about this kind of stuff killed it. I know he won't see it as an attempt at levity.

"Maybe I should just go now."

NO! "No! Harm! Wait! I'm sorry, I know you don't make a promise you won't keep." Or at least I am hoping that is still true.

"I meant what I said about the deal Mac. And I meant what I said about the date too."

"Oh, well thank you. I guess I am just not used to dealing with this or something."

OK, now I hear breathing at the other end. He's waiting for an answer and probably terrified to say anything because I have messed up this conversation so bad. Well, I guess breathing is better than a dial tone.

"Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"About the date…"

"Listen, Mac, you can just forget about it, stupid idea…"

"Harm, if the offer still stands and it's not a pity date and you really want to go out with me…yes."

"Did you just say yes?"

Ok, let's lay all the cards on the table, can't get much worse tonight. "Yes, Harmon Rabb, I would love to go on a date with you if you will have me."

"I'll take you any way I can have you." If I am not mistaken, he is flirting with me. Me. Sarah MacKenzie.

Trying to downplay the breathy voice that has seemed to have taken place of my real one, I ask the next logical question, "when?"

After a long pause his voice comes back over the phone line, "Well, it is Friday night, also known as date night, what are you doing in say 45 minutes?"

Frantically I jump up from the couch and look down at my ensemble. Pajama pants and an old tie-dye t-shirt doesn't scream date attire to me. "I could be ready, what did you have in mind?"

"Something casual and fun, it sounds like we both need to escape a little tonight. Jeans or something. As to where, that will have to be a surprise because I don't know yet."

The smile is back in his voice. I can't help but smile myself. "Alright, then come pick me up, I'll be ready."

"Ok, I'll be there soon."

"Hey, Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"See you in a bit." And then I hear the dial tone. This is going to be one interesting night. I stand there pondering for a moment before I realize I only have 39 minutes and 40 seconds to get ready. What am I going to wear?!?!?!

--

TBC? Let me know if you want to see this story continue…


	4. Knock three times

Knock three times…

AKA Chapter 4

_AN: back due to popular demand and the fact that watching season 9 on DVD inspired me to start seriously writing again... I also decided to skip Harm's side of the phone conversation. I think the story would get boring quickly if I told everything twice. _ _But I did pick up with his drive over to Mac's. _

_Harm's point of view_

I have been in and out of daydreams since I got in my car and started the drive over to Sarah MacKenzie's apartment in Georgetown. On the drive across town I have been wracking my brain trying to come up with something fun and easy, something that could be fun for friends, but also something that could be a date too. I'm still not sure if this was a date or not so I guess something on the fence between just friends and not just friends would be wise. But then again, I don't want to do something that was too just friends because then if it was supposed to be a date I would upset Mac and probably blow my second, third, fiftieth chance at this thing.

Maybe a movie? No, we have been to numerous movies in the past. Although the thought of being alone with her in a dark room does sound appealing, I also want to be able to have a conversation, see her smile and, if I'm lucky, hear her laugh. So movie was out.

Okay where is somewhere people go on dates to talk? A coffee shop? Somehow, I don't think that the whole, let's get some coffee would be the fun adventure I promised Mac. And, I'm not quite sure I fit in with that crowd anyway. Although they usually had nice comfy chairs and good coffee, coffee is more of a means to an end, a necessity of life, more than a hobby.

A bar? Well, that might not be the best place. Although we often go to McMurphy's to celebrate, I never got the impression that the whole bar scene was especially fun for Mac, and with good reason. Although some liquid courage for me? Now that did sound appealing.

We could go out to dinner. Well, it is a little late for dinner and I am sure she has already eaten. Not that my Marine would turn down food, but again, it just didn't strike me as the perfect place for tonight. Although a place with food would be a good idea.

We could go dancing. But is that a good first date event? What if some other guy cuts in and is some amazing dancing Fabio and steals her heart before I can even confirm we are on a date? OK, maybe I am overreacting just a little. Honestly, it would be fun, but it's really not the casual night I promised Mac. Maybe sometime in the future. After all we were great dance partners at those balls we have gone to in the past and seeing her in a gown and having her in my arms…let's just say there have been many lonely nights where that scenario has gotten me through.

Alright, come on, this is not my first date. I have gone out many times with many women. OK, that doesn't make me sound too good. And the thing is, this isn't "many women". This is Mac. Sarah. Quite possibly, _the_ woman. This could be the last first date of the rest of our lives! Great, let's add more pressure to this decision.

OK, let's get serious. A place with food and possibly a beer for me. A place where we can talk but not just sitting there staring at each other in hopes of a good conversation. Something active. We always seem to have fun on our little adventures. And not just on assignments, but also like the first time I took her flying. Now that was an adventure.

As I sit at a red light a thought hits me. _Is this even our first date?_ I mean we have known each other for years. Except for a few significant others along the way, we have spent a lot of time being contentedly single, as long as the other was equally single. And during those times we have spent a lot of time together doing things that could be seen as "couple-y." I mean the woman helped me pick out my car.

A horn startles me out of my revelry and I notice the light is green. If this isn't our first date, then maybe this isn't as scary as I thought it would be. OK, new game plan. Where would I take a girl that I had been seeing for a while if we were both bored and restless on a Friday night?

It's nighttime so any museums or touristy attractions are out. I want to be able to see her, not talk to her shadow. Especially if I get the opportunity to kiss her…missing and kissing her nose is never romantic.

The same goes for going for a run together. Although we are both trained members of the military, running around DC at night isn't the smartest idea in the world. Plus although we both enjoy the competition and the activity of running, it is far from relaxing or conversation inducing. Now on a Sunday afternoon after a lazy morning cuddled in bed reading the paper...ok, Hammer, stop that line of thinking now. You have to get through Friday night to get to Sunday morning and something tells me it will have to be months worth of Friday nights before we get to the Sunday morning stage. I'll put that on my future goals list. Right now, my main objective, figure out a fun date night.

As I start to hit the Georgetown neighborhood and stop at a light I look around and see the nice sidewalks lined with exclusive shops. We could just go for a walk and duck into a few on the way. I know she loves shopping, and I love watching her try on clothes. Or well I imagine I would enjoy watching her try on clothes. I don't know, although it is something a couple or 'just friends' would do, keeping us in that safe middle ground, I'm not sure it has the most potential for conversation and hearing her laugh. There has to be something else.

Alright I am a block away. What is a fun, casual date, with a little competition, with opportunity to talk, hear her laugh, eat...I got it!!!!

I pull up in a spot right in front of her apartment with a skip in my step. It may be corny but it is the perfect evening date...no...hang out...no...activity for us.

I take the stairs two at a time and see that I am only a minute later than I told her I would be. All of the deep thinking about where to go made me miss a few side streets. It's amazing how this woman can drive me to distraction when she isn't even in the same room!

Alright, deep breath, here goes nothing. *knock, knock* Waiting, waiting. All I hear is shuffling and muffled curses. Hmm. *knock, knock* "Mac?" She is always early and waiting with a witty comment about my lack of promptness. It doesn't help that I am barely breathing in anticipation making me much more antsy than normal. *knock, knock* "Mac, you OK in there?"

Before I can even get the end of the question out of my mouth the door flies open and I see a flushed but ready Sarah MacKenzie standing in front of me. Her grin grows and takes up her whole face, lighting up not just the room but the entire hallway. Wow, I sound like a lovesick puppy.

Her expression turns to something of a mix of embarrassment and coyness and it is then that I realize that my mouth is slightly agape and I am staring a little too much for 'just friends' but possibly just the right amount for a date.

Giving myself a mental shake, I wipe the goofy expression off my face and replace it with a goofy grin. Well, I guess one step at a time. She laughs a little, turns slightly to grab her coat and then starts to pull the door closed behind her. "So, Flyboy, where are you taking me?"


	5. Date Night

Date Night or Chapter 5

_AN: Never thought I would get another chapter up so quickly, but here you go. Let me know if I should continue from here or not. And I hope you all like where Harm decided to take Mac._

_Mac's POV_

As I sit here tying my laces, I look around in disbelief.

I never let myself truly imagine what a date with Harmon Rabb Jr. would be like. It was always some pipe dream; a fantasy that I would pull out on those cold and lonely nights. The few times I would let my mind imagine that some embassy ball or night out at the movies was a date of sorts, it only made the ache in my chest hurt all the more when it wasn't true. Especially if that realization came crashing down on my head when Harm started flirting with someone else.

It is during those crowd situations that the depth of our relationship is most evident. We work well together in a crowd. We are always conscious of where the other person is in the room. Even when in a conversation with someone else, I know where Harm is. It's like this dance, we are never too far apart from each other, but then again we were never too close either. Maintaining that proper distance that is acceptable for "just friends."

That phrase seems to haunt me, especially tonight. "Just friends" seems to be both a blessing and a curse. But are we just friends? Whether or not it is a date is yet to be determined, but it isn't the same as all of the other functions we have attended together either. While we still have not bridged that gap or broken through each others personal space just yet, this night feels different.

That personal space bubble has always been the elephant in the room for us. Only on special occasions have we breached that barrier. Being trapped on a mountain, saying goodbye, and facing an unwanted marriage, have been our only catalysts so far. I have always been afraid that the only time we would allow ourselves the comfort of each other's touch would be when facing catastrophe. And I definitely don't want to face serious injury or separation on a regular basis just to be comforted by Harm.

However, we have gotten better about breaking through the personal space bubble when it comes to the less physical things. We aren't great at it, but in the years we have known each other, we have become better with sharing some of the most intimate things about ourselves. I can say with confidence that I know more about Harm's past and feelings than most do. Granted what I may know is limited, but it is still more than Renee, Jordan or Annie ever knew. And he knows more about me than most as well. Big scary admissions, such as alcoholism and my relationships with my parents, came easier when I was faced with telling Harm than any other person in my life. Except for a short, 'my father died' and 'my mother left when I was a kid', Mic never got a further explanation when asking where he should send invitations.

Harm knows me, not just Mac and not just Sarah, but me. He is probably one of two people who understands me so well. The only other, Uncle Matt, is the person who helped me create Mac, the strong Marine who is in control of her life. I can safely say that the man tying his laces next to me is my best friend. No one else in my life has filled the role he has.

If it weren't for the fact that Harm is my best friend, I would be sure that this is a date. Although he is always the gentleman, he is treating me more like Sarah tonight, opening car doors and speaking in that more subtle hushed intimate tone that he only uses with me. He isn't outright flirting, but he has tried a few jokes, even though I can tell he is too nervous to tell them right. I get the feeling that he is just doing it to see me smile and that in itself fills my heart.

That's one of the things I treasure most about Harm. He can tell when I need something to help me smile. Although I have battled and overcome many of the demons of my past, some days it's harder than others to see the silver lining. When Harm recognizes me in one of these moods, a quick joke or some other diversionary tactic puts a smile on my face and shakes me free. There are some days that I curse Harm's ability to dodge a situation, answering some of the most important questions I have asked him in vague roundabout ways, but it is one of the things that make me love him too.

Suddenly my Marine defense kicks in when I feel someone touch my back and I stiffen. It only takes a second for me to relax as I realize it is the man I trust most in this world. Harm is soothingly rubbing my back and calling my name. I look up, shocked that I have spent 5 minutes tying my shoes, and am greeted by warm concerned eyes.

"Mac? Is this ok? We can leave if you want, I just thought that this might be fun…" Oh, poor Harm, he is so worried and nervous.

I flash him a smile of reassurance and straighten up. Regrettably he stops rubbing circles on my back and takes his hand away. Not wanting to lose the contact and fearing that he may never try to break the bubble again, it's my turn to reach out.

Putting my hand on top of his in his lap, I chuckle a little, more so to hide the nerves, and venture, "Harm. This is perfect. Thank you of thinking of it. Relax." And with that I am rewarded with his award-winning smile. Still locking eyes with him, I see my best friend and know that even though this may get awkward and we are both nervous and unsure, we will survive this. We have been to hell and back together, surely we can endure a date!

Somehow, without explaining my revelation to him, he too seems to gain confidence and with a wink he stands up and extends his hand to me. "Alright, MacKenzie, ladies first, let's see what you've got."

"Oh, Harmon, you haven't seen anything yet," I flirt back and with a big smile I pick up my green marbled bowling ball. After a few seconds of preparation and 3 steps up to the line I let the ball loose and watch as it curves perfectly into a strike. Now, although I have no idea how I just did that and am surprised myself, I turn around with a coy smile and see Harm staring agog. Sauntering, and yes I admit that I saunter, over to him I lean up and give him a quick peck on the cheek and whisper in his ear, "beat that, Flyboy."

I see Harm shake his head, trying to rid his mind of what is probably a thought that I would throw a red light at. Well, a thought that I would have thrown a red light at in the past. But now, as his date, and hopefully more in the future, I welcome the flicker of passion I see in his eyes.

I giggle at his predicament and shake my head myself. Yes, I also admit that I, the Marine Lieutenant Colonel giggle. As I watch him pick up his fittingly blue bowling ball and line up for his own strike, I watch his cute six and have a few red light thoughts of my own. Who needs nervous, this dating Harm thing is going to be more fun than I thought.


End file.
